Our Last Argument

There's a line in the song One Power by Daniel Nahmod that reminds me of the time that strikes me as the defining moment in our lives together: "It's the anger we abandon for it's love that's most deep."

We didn't argue much after the first couple of years together. Neither of us often got really angry, but you were really angry that day. I can recall the argument, the very real difference of opinion: I had let a newcomer use my rifle at a Rockford match, and you were furious. You were worried that they would mess something up right before the Midwest Regionals, and I thought I was just being a nice guy. You were seriously upset. I remember realizing that it mattered so much more to you than it did to me, and so I just let go.

Yeah, I just let go. I told you that I wouldn't do it again because it mattered more to you that I not do it than it mattered to me that I did. Seems simple, but in the heat of an argument, I'd never backed down before. I'd have argued for my right to do whatever the heck it was I wanted to do. Something in me had changed. I abandoned the anger for the love that was so much deeper. And it was an incredible feeling because I recognized what a huge step it was.

You kept arguing with me for a minute, got a rather quizzical look on your face, and I said, "You're more important to me than this choice will ever be. I love you."

So often, I cared more about winning than about the person I was arguing with, I didn't even check in with myself to ask if winning the argument was worth the feelings of either party. Sometimes it is. There are definitely times when standing your ground is critical. I just need to make sure that I know the difference. I didn't, for many years.

In retrospect, the funny thing about the situation was that most people would have thought that our positions would have been reversed because you were the good guy and I was the hard-ass. In private, we shared each side of that coin, but to the public you were heads and I was tails, neither really letting the world see our vulnerabilities.

You died five months after this argument, on March 3rd, 2003, seven years ago. Seven years! Once again I've allowed the date to sneak up on me. It explains the unexpected emotionality.
The thing is, you taught me how to love and the value of being loved. I miss you, Ogeez.

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